Those riding boots are, like, SO 2 years ago

"Aren't you one of those Parsons-hipster-bitches from the Yale Architecture open house?"
"Um, no."
"Yes you were, with the boots and shit...were you going riding, or looking at grad school?"

"Jennifer, I'm going to need another glass of champagne."

****

I'm dealing with a complete fool of a roomate these days. We've been trying to get this bum to move out for a few weeks, and the only communication he seems capable of making has been middle of the night voicemails threatening to "give me such a dirty look it will burn down to my soul, or what's left of it." I quoted some of the other choice words he's left on my phone (which I'll spare you of) to people such as my parents and older brother's friends. My parents want me to just move out. My brother's friends, on the other hand, want his address, phone number, and the outfit he was last seen in.

So we've been busy preparing our "legal documents and recourse" as he so intelligently put it. Legal recourse, my ass. Just because your father USED to be a powerful attorney doesn't mean you can throw around legal jargon without understanding what it means. I may have been planning parties for the past year and a half, but I haven't forgotten how to read, do research, and find the nearest police department. Let's see how he handles getting arrested from his parents' Hamptons house, then getting bitch-slapped with a restraining order from two educated, savvy, take-no-shit New York girls. Okay, so I'm a Jersey girl deep down; but I'm so over this nice girl crap.

****

Forget the champagne. I'm going to need a valium. Have fun in the clinker.

Ninja Magicians Needed, or Ode to Thea

Thea is the best kind of friend. One who brings me to the brink of getting into trouble (read: arrested, kidnapped, waking up in Texas or Oklahoma, electrocuting ourselves, pole dancing at a stranger's birthday party. Wait, those last two did happen) ...then pulls us both back before we make mistakes worthy of life-long regret. She is also one helluv-an advice-giver. For instance, on Monday, I lost a check at work. A rather large check, in the amount of $108,000 to be exact. I denied, then panicked, then contemplated owning up to my mistake. Her advice? " i think you should just stand up, scream 'i cant take this anymore' and leave. and then you wont have to go to work the rest of the week and no one will know that you cant find the check."
I could always go out for this job...

ALL POSITIONS needed for Upscale Japanese Fusion Tribeca Restaurant. **Experienced Servers**SERVERS MUST DO SIMPLE NINJA MAGIC AT TABLES. We Train. NO Magic Exp Nec. Fax resume: 212-608-3426 Email: shinobiny@nyc.rr.com

Thea found this during her new "job search." I use that term loosely, because I think she just spends all day on CL looking for puppies and kittens for us to adopt, and for people giving away free things like monkeys and stripper poles.

Her comments on the posting made sense...."what the hell is simple ninja magic? and i think that if there is such a thing as ninja magic, it shouldnt be called simple."

Well said, young grasshopper. Well said.

welcome to the www

And so it begins. I've been saying for months to my dear, patient friend Patrick that I would surely stop bugging him with IM's all day if I just started a blog. And for months, he agreed. And as my last fuck you to my soon-to-be ex-employers, I am going to spend my last few days in this suburban office working on my blog. Although something tells me it will only result in even more annoying IM's to Patrick, of "how do i link this," and "how do i post this."

You asked for it, bitches.